Student claims backpack full of beer actually contains books

On Friday evening, student Keith Stone engineered the perfect plan to smuggle some beer into his Straz quad for a night of jovial alcohol consumption with his friends. At approximately 9:30 p.m. Stone exited the building with a completely empty backpack and told the working DR that he was “off to the library”. Clearly an ingenious excuse, the DR did not bat an eye as Stone walked directly across the street to Westown Market to purchase his coveted 30 rack of Milwaukee’s Best. A mere ten minutes later, Stone re-entered Straz Hall with the same DR at the desk. She was clearly suspicious of the square-shaped nature of his once empty backpack, so Stone hatched the perfect cover- up for his illegal actions. When asked by the DR about the contents of his purple Jansport, he slyly responded, “Oh yeah, I just had to go to Raynor real quick to check out some books. Now I am going to read them alone, and completely sober.” Jean Mangold, the DR in question, totally bought it and let him up without issue despite the obvious noise of clanking cans every time Stone took a step. “I was just so glad to see a student using his Friday night to get ahead on his schoolwork. Most kids would find a way to get drunk, but this guy really cares about the education he is receiving here” Mangold said. Reports confirm that Stone was written up exactly 13 minutes after their exchange when his floor’s RA heard him yell, “everyone come to 1748, this beer won’t drink itself” down the hallway, unaware that this could possibly incriminate him. Mangold commented on this update by saying, “I could not possibly be more surprised by this news. I don’t understand how he could have gotten a full 30 rack of beer in here with all of those books taking up space in his backpack.” UPDATE: Since the original publication of this article, sources have told this reporter that Mangold will not be holding her job for much longer as this has not been the first security failure she has caused.