Ask Clarence: How do I sneak beer into my dorm?
Welcome to college, all you young-bloods! Looking to party in your dorm rooms? Looking to get wild? Looking to slowly poison yourself until you damage your brain enough that you don’t remember making out with that mildly attractive guy you met during orientation in the community bathroom?
Well look no further! Because Clarence is here to help all of you violate university policy. I get this questions all the time, so here are my top 7 ways to sneak beer in the dorms:
1.) Buy a mini fridge and fill it with beer. That way the DR will think you’re just installing a new fridge in your dorm. Be sure to buy a brand new mini fridge each time though, or else the DR might get suspicious.
2.) Buy a 30 rack, and place the box outside your building. Then, take two cans of beer and put one in each of your front pockets. Then, calmly walk past the DR and up to your room, dropping off the two cans of beer. Then, go back outside and repeat this process 14 more times.
3.) Meet your DR. Learn your DR’s name. Learn what they do, where they live, where they sleep, where they feel most comfortable.
Follow them. Study their habits.
Then, take this information. Use it against your DR. Break them down to a sub-human level.
Make them fear you. Make it so they can’t sleep at night because they know you’re watching, and because they know there’s nothing they can do to stop you.
Then, after buying a 30 rack, take two beer cans at a time and hide them in your front pockets until they are all in your room.
4.) You know how when you’re in pain, it sometimes helps to hurt a different part of your body to distract you? Well take that concept and apply it to sneaking beer into your room! To distract the DR from noticing your beer, try sneaking in something even more illegal. Examples include crystal meth, unregistered firearms, or a kidnapped child from Taiwan. Your DR will be so distracted that they won’t even notice you carrying in all that booze!
5.) You know that scene in Mission Impossible where Tom Cruise sneaks through a vent and is dangling from a wire trying to hack a computer?
That scene’s pretty neat, huh?
6.) Save up some money for a really nice firefighter outfit. Once you’ve bought it and put it on, start a fire in the lobby of your dorm. Everyone will be running and screaming for their lives, and that’s when you strike! Use this opportunity to run in bearing the firefighter outfit, taking all your alcoholic beverages in with you. As an added benefit, if anyone asks you about the alcohol, you can just say “It’s for the fire” or “I’m a professional” and they’ll believe you because the building is BURNING TO THE FUCKING GROUND.
7.) Step 1: Go to any store that sells buckets.
Step 2: Buy a bunch of buckets.
Step 3: Place them all in your room.
Step 4: Take out a beer and hold as much of the liquid as you can in your mouth.
Step 5: Once you get to your room, spit out all the beer into the buckets.
Step 6: Repeat steps 4 and 5 until your room is full of buckets of beer and backwash.
These are the easiest and most effective methods for sneaking in beer! If you ever have a problem or just need some friendly advice, email mugoldenseagull@gmail.com with the subject "Ask Clarence" and I'll be there. Until next time!
