Golden Seagull Fall Sports Preview

The beginning of the academic year at Marquette means the start of another exciting fall sports season. Naturally, as your #3 news source for all things Marquette, The Golden Seagull has you covered with surface-level, non-award winning analysis on all of the fall action. Here is your 2016 Marquette fall sports preview:

MEN’S SOCCER

Biggest Strength

Last season’s 5-10-2 record suggests that Marquette’s players have a healthy knowledge of soccer’s basic rules.

Biggest Weakness

The new group of starting forwards have refused to attack the opposing net unless there are Pokemon Go lures down there.

Prediction A moderately improved team and an equally moderate uptick in the number of people on campus pretending they are futbol fans.

WOMEN’S SOCCER

Biggest Strength

After 6,000 years of civilization, it finally occurred to people that women can, in fact, play good soccer.

Biggest Weakness

Animal crackers, just like the rest of us. Seriously, have you ever had just one animal cracker? I didn’t think so.

Prediction

Women’s soccer will get their first postseason tournament berth since 2013. It will distract you from being mad at men’s basketball’s opening day loss for a few hours.

VOLLEYBALL

Biggest Strength

Outside hitter Taylor Louis (4.93 kills per set) hits it hard enough that opposing defenders typically reconsider their choice of sport mid-match.

Biggest Weakness

The NCAA refused to let Henry Ellenson come back for another year to play middle blocker.

Prediction

At least one stadium will be mistakenly evacuated after a Louis spike sets off area seismographs.

CROSS COUNTRY

Biggest Strength

Team is populated by the kind of weird people that genuinely enjoy running.

Biggest Weakness

Not only do these people like running, they like running on grass. This is the athletic equivalent of being a Nickelback fan.

Prediction

These athletes will live longer, healthier lives than anybody reading this preview. Show-offs.

CLUB HOCKEY

Biggest Strength

Experienced skaters backed up by a legion of wasted fans on Halloween night.

Biggest Weakness

Due to scarcity of arena space, all home games will be played on an ice floe in Lake Michigan off the coast of Sturgeon Bay.

Prediction Another successful season causes more griping about how a large Wisconsin school somehow lacks a DI hockey team.

MEN’S AND WOMEN’S TENNIS

Biggest Strength

They don’t have to worry about the pressure of performing for large crowds.

Biggest Weakness

Team’s rackets must be re-strung after campus asshole steals the premium strings for his acoustic guitar.

Prediction

The tennis team’s lineup will all get excellent depth on their shots, making it incredibly difficult for opponents to get forehand winners. That means the team will make a big run against lineups that….I’m just messing with you. Your guess is as good as mine.

YOUR INTRAMURAL BASKETBALL TEAM

Biggest Strength

The squad’s matching throwback jerseys look sick, bro.

Biggest Weakness

You. That’s right, your team sucks and it’s all your fault. Go stand in the corner to think about what you’ve done.

Prediction

Zero wins, all the losses, 20 or so failed crossovers, 75 contested three-pointers.

FOOTBALL

Biggest Strength

Not a single recruiting violation in over 50 years. Take that, Alabama.

Biggest Weakness

The offense has been non-existent these past few seasons.