U.S. Government Lists Schroeder Chicken Parm as a Schedule II Controlled Substance
Milwaukee – On Tuesday, the Chicken Parmesan dish served in Marquette University’s Schroeder Hall, earned a Schedule II controlled substance drug rating from the United States Government. A press release from the university described the meal as “a campus-wide menace.”
As a result, protests have broken out in the Schroeder foyer over the past few days, with students complaining about the banishment of the beloved menu item.
“To me, Chicken Parmesan is a culinary awakening that no other dining experience can replicate,” said sophomore William Jenkins.
The mass hysteria for Chicken Parm began when the usually silent James King, pioneer of the Schroeder Chicken Parm, discovered the perfect chicken-noodle-sauce ratio while preparing freshman Katherine Kelly’s dinner.
“It was honestly the most perfect plate of food I have ever consumed,” said Kelly. “I called my mom and cried for a few hours before being able to process what had just happened to me.”
Once word spread, a seemingly endless stream of Marquette student flocked to Schroeder for every lunch, dinner, and evening snack that featured the culinary skills of “Silent James”.
However, things became out of control when the supply couldn’t meet the demand. Students began skipping class in order to camp outside of Schroeder, and ensure that they would receive their food.
“I didn’t see my roommate for an entire 36 hours,” said Austin Ortiz. “And when he came back, he ate his Chicken Parm silently in the corner, and went right back out to wait for another after he finished it.”
After classes began reaching an all-time high absence rate, President Lovell led an effort to resolve the problem. Using his S.T.E.M background, he single-handedly converted the pasta and sandwich stations in the dining hall to areas that could accommodate Chicken Parm.
While this solved one problem, it created another. Specifically, the non-chicken parm eating students who felt that a lack of variety hurt the Schroeder dining experience.
“Being a Vegan with a gluten allergy is hard enough on this campus, but now that my dorm’s dining hall only serves one dish that has both meat and gluten in it, I have to walk all the way to McCormick just to get a decent supper,” said sophomore John Kavula.
With no solution in sight, Lovell was forced to seek Federal assistance, triggering the Drug Enforcement Administration (D.E.A) to step in, and shut down the operation all-together.
“One component of a substance being scheduled at level II, is that its abuse can cause severe psychological or physical dependence,” said Chuck Rosenberg, Acting Administrative Director of the D.E.A.
“We see both of these symptoms very clearly with this substance in a recreational setting, but possible medical benefits for Chicken Parm are still being researched.”
