Freshman assumes Rock The Mall concert will be like Coachella
Adjusting his Toon Squad jersey and zipping his fanny pack, freshman Shawn Cooley prepared for what he expected to be a “life-changing experience” at Marquette’s Rock The Mall Concert.
“I can already feel the good vibes in Central Mall,” said Cooley. “I wonder which stage Post Malone is at. Probably Varsity Theatre.”
Cooley’s roommates expressed concern amongst themselves about his serious miscalculation. His bunkmate, George Dolan, said Cooley claimed earlier in the week to have paid $350 for a four-day pass, even though the event is four hours long and free for students.
“I don’t know who Shawn paid, but I’m pretty sure he got scammed,” said Dolan. “I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him. He was so excited he bought four custom bro tanks off Etsy.”
Cooley surveyed the event grounds from the Raynor Library bridge but didn’t seem to lower his expectations at all.
“Music festivals are a great opportunity to showcase art, like that sculpture over there,” Cooley said while pointing to the Father Marquette statue he passes on the way to chemistry class three times per week. “It’s beautiful. Oh wow, look at that massive honeycomb!”
Cooley listened to The Killers for three straight days under the impression the band was headlining the event. Multiple reports confirmed he memorized the lyrics to Mr. Brightside.
However, Cooley’s night came to an abrupt close before it even started when he approached an ’82 alumnus for an unordinary favor: “Do you have molly?”
Thankfully, MUPD dog Nattie busted Cooley and the alumnus, who did in fact have molly.
